Business Jesus

By Richaud Samuel Hollings Jr. LOS ANGELES – As an professional human resources trainer I get literally hundreds of calls a day regarding how desperate job-seekers can best hone themselves into what employers in the 21st century desire most – namely the perfect employee.

Business Jesus asked me to set down a few of my thoughts on the subject and I’ve come up with the following list. I’m sure much of what I’ve put down won’t surprise many of you, but perhaps one or two entries are going to shock you. And I mean you had better be sitting down when you read them.

1. Look presentable. I can’t stress this enough. I interviewed candidates for positions at BB FunCorp, Japan’s largest toy manufacturer and I would have people dragging their asses in to the interview who had barely the grace to shave themselves or put on a tie. And the women weren’t much different – I remember one woman who arrived still wearing her Halloween costume from a party she’d attended the night before. I had security remove her and she was unable to obtain employment from any firm after that.

2. Be punctual. Punctual is a word which means “on time”. It is the opposite of “late”. Candidates who show up late are interviewed, but not by me. I have my son Freddy interview them. Freddy spends hours interviewing them, sometimes days. He’s a talker.

3. Be willing to have sex with the interviewer if requested. I can’t stress this enough. Many interviewers, and I have to include myself in this category, are so busy interviewing that they don’t have time to satisfy their totally natural sexual urges. A candidate whom fails to understand or at least sympathize with this quite normal state of affairs will be delegated to the bottom of the resume pile.

4. If you’re attractive, initiate sex with the interviewer. Many interviewers, and here I would have to include myself in this category, are criminally shy, like in that Smiths song. But that doesn’t mean we don’t like a good time, just like anybody else. The thing for you to do as the ideal candidate, is to anticipate our needs. And as Freud wrote, most of these are sexual (98.4%). The rest involve questing for food and fire, but I can always get myself to a Subway if I’m hungry, and I live in LA.

5.Don’t tell jokes. We’re in the midst of the Great Depression 2.0 according to both Messrs McCain and Obama, respectively. Most interviewers, and in this case I would have to include myself, lost heavily in housing and derivative-based securities. The last thing I want to hear is your joke about my tie or slacks or my wife’s photograph on my desk. Humor is a defense mechanism put up by people who are insecure. Successful people know this – you should too.

6. Grovel. Grovel is a word which means “beg intensely”. Interviewers love it if you grovel. Groveling was once the hallmark of American culture before smart alecks during Generation X started selling the idea that if you graduated college, bought a pair of over-sized glasses and stopped shaving you were somehow deserving of respect. With Depression 2.0 finding its sea legs you can bet safely on a return of groveling.

7. Lie on your C.V. A C.V. is not a legal document. It is a piece of creative writing which showcases you – the ideal candidate – and your creative side. Take advantage of it and soar on your heavenly creative wings! After all, if you do get hired, this will be the last time until retirement that you’ll ever get to be creative, unless of course you get placed in accounting.

Richaud Samuel Hollings Jr is a Los Angeles-based business columnist. His advice is widely-read by readers able to read English and comfortable using a computer.